What Makes for a Good Conversation?

What makes for a good conversation?

It’s something I’ve been sitting with these last few weeks as I caught up with friends old and new over the holidays.

As a result of many of these interactions, I started to think more about the kinds of conversations and relationships I naturally seek.

I am most attracted to, and energized by, conversations where something new is being co-created by the people having the conversation.

And I am drawn to people who like having these kinds of conversations too.

What do I mean “something new and co-created?”

Well, we’ve all been in a conversation where someone is regurgitating information. It almost feels like they are playing a tape. Your role is to passively listen.

While those kinds of conversations can be important (a friend sharing info about a medical scare they had for example), what’s being discussed usually doesn’t feel new or co-created. And to be honest, there is a limit to the energy I can devote to those kinds of conversations.

Even if someone is a great story teller, eventually listening to someone else tell stories about themselves starts to get old.

On the other hand, if someone brings up a topic where they are talking through something for the first time, or in a new way - that is immediately compelling to me. Hearing and feeling someone wrestle with something that feels new to them draws me in.

What makes it better still is if part of what is new for them is that they are thinking about that topic in a new way because someone else is there too. Does my presence influence what they are thinking about to begin with? Or the way they rethink a familiar topic?

Ideally, my unique presence is driving some of that novelty for them. Maybe because I know them well, or because I asked a good question. Maybe I offered a connecting idea that sparked something new for them.

As they walk down this new road - I am much more invested because the stakes feel so much higher.  They are learning something new about themselves. And I am also learning and reflecting on how I feel about the topic as we are talking.

And then, in the best conversations, we are both covering new ground together, and each of our contributions push each other toward more new insight. Insight that is relevant and compelling for both of us.

These kinds of conversations are magical. They don’t happen all the time, but when they do, I could go on talking for hours.

I feel gratified that having these kinds of conversations is a big part of my work.